Out of Nowhere

I am usually the one counting down the days till school starts.  Especially with my son who will start Kindergarten in the Fall (August 15th or 90 days from today to be more precise).  I am looking forward to putting a great big backpack on his little body and shuffling him off to full days out of the home.  Don't get me wrong, I adore the boy (and his big sister).  They have a way to make me smile like noone or nothing else can.  They also have a way to make me want to pull my hair out and sit in a quiet room for hours. 

So imagine my surprise when out of the blue (at Target), a feeling came over me that made me gasp.  I see the moms with their sweet little toddlers and babies all around.  Usually I feel a bit smug that I am not in that stage anymore (no more diapers, sippy cups and baby wipes).  Or I feel a bit nostalgic for those days (no more days spent with nothing more pressing on the agenda than a leisurely trip to the grocery store or Target and afternoon naps).  Long days spent alone with someone who cannot talk back and who lights up when you walk into a room.  But really, for the most part, I am over that. 

Until today...
The week my youngest will finish preschool.  The week that begins his forward progression away from me.  "He's just so little" I think.  How can he do things like put on his own shoes, carry a tray in the cafeteria, or even swim on the swim team? I picked him up this morning and just squeezed him and told him how one day he will be bigger than me.  He won't sit in his room and sing sweet songs that he makes up, he won't ask me to cuddle with him and watch Phineas & Ferb, let's face it, he won't always think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread.  And sometimes? That just crushes me.  I know my job is to care for and raise these little beings into responsible adults (with Brad, of course).  And as scary as that is sometimes, we are up to the challenge (for the most part).  But some days?  I just want to take this little 5 year old and squish him down to about 18 months.  Or even go back to the infancy of my firstborn.

So at Target, I was suddenly overcome with all these feelings about my youngest growing up and I wanted to sit down in the towel aisle and cry.  I carried on and did my shopping but just can't shake this feeling.  It must be the looming preschool graduation...or the 90 days till Kindergarten.  I don't know, but a certain 5 year old boy is going to get some extra cuddles this afternoon.

Last night Brad said, "I just want to bottle up these moments" when Nate was singing in his room.  Instead, I sent him up with the video camera.

I guess that will have to do.